Dunkin’ isn’t Just for Donuts

Caution: This post contains April Fool’s satire.  We hope you enjoy. But it’s really all a joke.

Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis Jr. says he will continue the use of waterboarding at the Justice Center. Waterboarding has decreased disciplinary infractions in the jail and saved the court system money, he says.

In its first three months, waterboarding at the jail has prompted 63 confessions leading to felony convictions, saving taxpayers millions of dollars in court costs, according to Leis.

The American Civil Liberties Union has filed suit in U.S. District Court in an effort to stop Leis from waterboarding prisoners, saying the practice is unconstitutional. Leis sneered at the lawsuit.

“It was filed by the ACLU,” he said. “That should tell you something right there.”

First used by the Inquisition during the Middle Ages and later by the Japanese Army during World War II, waterboarding is considered torture throughout the civilized world. The Bush administration was widely condemned for using waterboarding in the U.S. terror war. President Obama banned waterboarding of prisoners captured by the U.S. military but Leis says that ruling doesn’t apply in domestic criminal cases.

“Obama might have taken over the auto industry and the hospitals, but he doesn’t run the Hamilton County Justice Center,” Leis said. “Obama can use his health-care reform to help the little darlings after we’re done with them.”

The procedure isn’t as bad as critics make it out, according to the sheriff.

“These criminals know what they did,” he said. “It’s just water – it isn’t poison. If a good dousing helps them talk, what’s wrong with that? When did discipline become a bad word?”

The only negative impact so far has been a slight increase in the jail’s water bill, Leis says.

At a Tea Party rally in Western Hills last week, Leis won loud applause when he announced that he has a committee looking into other cost-effective ways to maintain discipline in the jail and encourage confessions.

“You ever heard of the thumbscrew?” Leis said. “Nobody ever died from having their thumbs pinched, but I’ll tell you what: I bet the ACLU would object to that, too. We’re going to do whatever we can to fight crime, and the socialists can go straight to hell.”